That’s it. One really needs little else. Robert’s a smart man, a happy man, a content man, and a person I sincerely look up to. Being a fan of science and writing myself, I just though I’d express my appreciation for him in a manner of which I find quite flattering. Read on as I say hello to Robert. THE LETTER Dear Professor Robert L. Wolke, I’ve been a fan of your books ever since I got my first of three, What Einstein Told His Barber, as a birthday gift last year. I’ve since read What Einstein Didn’t Know and I’m eagerly awaiting my copy of What Einstein Told His Cook. I also enjoy your column in the Washington Post. You sir are a fine and funny writer. I’m writing you to let you know of a book I’m writing, Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook, a series of bits of information and humorous stories that paint a lovely picture of Einstein’s first lunches with his hair stylist. What would honor me more than anything, Professor, is if you would write the foreword for my book. Seeing as how our books have so much in common, even our names are similar, I can think of no greater person to ask than you. I thank you very much and look forward to your reply.
Your friend in writing and science,
Wolker L. Roberts RESPONSES I pray I get a response from Robert (let’s call him Rob). Rob’s a funny guy, and a smart guy, so I know that whatever he has to say will be a kick in the pants. Should I ever get a response, which I rarely do these days (I think I need to rethink my approach) it’ll be posted here. Response 01 – There is life. Further proof, aside from his educational career and series of scientific books for the ‘every man’, this man, this author, this genius is inquisitive and by the book to the very last. There is no Wolker L. Roberts, as Robert L. Wolke so astutely devised, and therefore a test of existence was in order before committing both time and energy to a form of response. This man is so wise, and yet, so simple. As his astronomer forefathers did before him when sending the Voyager I and Voyager II satellites into space, he created a very short, yet very simple and effective, form of first communication. That simplistic form of communication was devised to retrieve but one thing, and that was a simple answer. Just a symbol of intelligence is all that was required in order for a dialogue between two superior, space-faring civilizations to begin.
His first communication:
My first response: Response 02 – Testing intelligence by means of deep thought, philosophy, and math. “You mean you're a real person?” said Robert L. Wolke. If you’re not yet in tears from this man’s curiosity structured on such basic and elemental, methodical even, steps towards establishing contact with an unknown, well, then you’re a moron. This man’s second communication is in the form of a question. The fact alone that it’s a question is further proof of how inquisitive this man is. To prove how well thought he is, let’s analyze the question itself. “You mean you're a real person?” He’s questioning existence – my existence. There is no deeper subject than the ages old question, “where do we come from?” Am I real, my new friend is wondering... Well, am I? I, the man writing this right now is indeed real, but is Wolker L. Roberts, the phantom with whom Robert L. Wolke believes he is communicating, real? By asking this question, Rob’s delving into the infinite, into the universe of paradoxes and enigmas, just to try and ascertain exactly with whom he’s achieved dialogue, and about what. Oh, it gets better. He’s introduced mathematics into the matter. Granted, it’s mathematics on a very basic level of ones and zeros, but math nonetheless. Are you there? Yes or no. One or zero. See? He’s asking me to declare my existence via one of two answers – a singular, positive, numerical value of one, or yes, or a singular (or infinite - the neutralizing power of zero is immense but I’ll save that for another time), empty (not negative, for that would render the concept of zero, the only integer classified of NO value, be it negative or positive, null) zero, or no. What does that mean? Well, on or off, yes or no, one or zero. Am I real? It’s dizzying, I know. So let’s sum up. I’ve been given a communiqué from Mr. Wilke, and this one transmission of thought brought with it three levels of an inquisitive testing of me, or at least of my conjured self Wilker L. Roberts, in philosophy, math, and consciousness. Amazing.
His second communication
My second response: Response 03 - Discovery His third communication. His conclusion. Thanks for the laughs." My final response. My name is Benjamin and I am, honestly, a fan of your writing. The silly emails were simply my way of tipping my hat to you. I, too, love to write. I primarily stick to comedy and silly gags like what you've experienced, and I do thank you, sir, for being such a good sport about the whole thing. Most people just send a note or a letter or an email saying something heard a million times over, "I'm such a big fan, blah blah blah." Not me. Anyway, thanks for the laughs, thanks for the good books, and have yourself a fine day.
-Your fan and friend, Response 04 - Friends
His final communication. I confess that you're right about the fan mail I get. It's great, but it does get repetitive. Yours stood out from the crowd and was a welcome diversion.
Thanks for the fun. |
