Writes


Letters
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Dear Airline
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
10 Questions From Americans
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
The Benjagon
Use Those Weather-Sticks
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
The Question About The Bill
10 Interview Questions


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
I Want Your Clutter
 
Oy vey.

Now, all these restaurants everyone likes to go to are all the same. They all have the same, gargantuan menus, same underpaid, overworked, teenage employees, same layouts, same amount of items with the company name in the item names, and, most of all, same damn clutter on the walls and ceilings.

Now, granted, Red Robin's doesn't have the same, Australian theme in their clutter like Outback Steakhouse has, but it's the same idea - the same concept.

Know what else is the same? My disinterest in all of it. I don't choose to go to Chili's over Chevy's because of better 'flare'. I don't go to T.G.I.Friday's instead of Claim Jumper because I like pseudo-antique canoes on the walls. I got to these places, almost always, because it's on the way home when, only rarely (thank G-d) Lisa gets a hankering for cream potato soup - something they all have, yet manage to make 'better' than the other guy.

So, I am, in a way, making a mockery of their decorative tastes/styles/concepts while at the same time paying them a compliment via lies.

I've already made myself known to them, and now it's time to do it again. I can't wait to tell you all exactly where all this horrendous wall-garbage comes from.

And remember, upside down, rusty bicycles don't make a better burger, better cooks do.


THE TARGETS:
Chevy's
T.G.I.Friday's
Outback Steakhouse
Chili's
Red Robin
Claim Jumper
THE LETTER:

Hello,

My wife and I are moving into a new house, and there's one room that'll soon be my den. Even though she has decorative control over the entire house, that one room is for me, and me alone to design.

That said, I was dining in one of your restaurants the other day and I was paying close attention to all the different things hanging from, or attached to, your walls. As a matter of fact, I thought that if I could find out where you got your décor, I'd buy some for myself.

I mean, just think of it, my small little study, my little escape, would be cluttered with the same interesting things that you have on your walls. I don't mean to copy-cat, just compliment.

Anyway, if you can, where do you get all of that, well, 'stuff'? If you can't tell me where you got it, I totally understand - could you at least tell me the name of your 'style' so that I could set out on my own and track the items down myself?

I do appreciate this - thank you so much.

-Benjamin


THE RESPONSES:
Red Robin :: November 25th, 2002
Dear Benjamin,

Thank you for visiting the Red Robin web site and providing comments and/or concerns in our guest book. We appreciate your participation and feedback in using our web site.

If you have submitted an inquiry and / or question(s), we will do our best to reply within 2 business days. At any rate, you will hear from us soon.

Please do not reply to this message as no "reply-to" e-mail address has been attached with this message.

Once again, thank you for your feedback and for visiting redrobin.com.

Sincerely,

Guest Relations for Red Robin Gourmet Burgers, Inc.


Chili's :: November 25th, 2002

Your email has been sent to our Guest Relations office. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We value your feedback and will be back in touch with you after we review your comments. We will do our best to respond to your email within 5-7 business days.

Please do not respond to this message as it is an auto generated response for the email you sent to us.


Claim Jumper :: November 26th, 2002

Hi Benjamin,

My name is Joe Magnet with the Interior Design division of Claim Jumper Restaurant, your e-mail was sent to me in regards to the items you have seen in the restaurant. Let me start by thanking you for all your kind words about the interior of the store, I purchase as well as place the items you have seen. The theme is mostly western but I will use almost anything with a interesting look to it, most of the items I use are purchased at various antique malls, flea markets or private party sales. A great place to find a large selection of the items I use is the Long Beach Veterans antique swapmeet which is held the 3rd Sunday of each month, also like I said if you have antique malls in your area this will be a great source for you.

If I can be of any further help to you please feel free to call me at 949-555-9001.

Sincerely,
Joe Magnet
Claim Jumper Restaurant
Interior Design


Chili's :: November 26th, 2002

Dear Dr. Smash,

Thank you for your email and for your interest in Chili's.

Dr. Smash, we are very flattered with your wish to decorate your office resembling one of our restaurants! We typically purchase most of the items at local flea markets in the area of the location, but we do have some vendors that supply us with several of our décor objects. If you are interested in anything specific that you have seen, please email us back and we will be happy to assist you with a name and telephone number or email address.

We don't really have a name for our decorating style. We refer to it as "funk" and actually the department that purchases most of our décor items is entitled the "Funk Department"!

Again, thank you for your interest in Chili's, we look forward to seeing you in our restaurants soon, it will be our pleasure to serve you.

Mary Jo Robbins
Guest Relations


Red Robin :: November 27th, 2002

Hi Benjamin,

Thank you for stopping by our website and taking time to comment. We appreciate your feedback.

Our pictures/posters used for décor in the restaurants are not for sale. However, I can share with you that we purchase some from websites such as art.com or barewalls.com and you may be able to find something similar on such sites as these. Other pieces, such as the American Baseball Flag, are made specifically for Red Robin and are not available for public purchase. I hope this helps and good luck! Thanks again for being a Red Robin guest.


Outback Steakhouse :: December 2nd, 2002

G'day mate,

Thank you for your e-mail. I am sorry to say that Outback does not sell any of our decor. Outback Steakhouse does not keep an inventory of the prints we hang. We buy all of our artwork once a year and only buy enough for our restaurants. The artists we buy from do not resell their work.

Thanks so much and have a bonzer day.