Writes


Letters
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Dear Airline
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
10 Questions From Americans
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
The Benjagon
Use Those Weather-Sticks
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
The Question About The Bill
10 Interview Questions


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
Wed, 20 Oct 1999
 
I won 500 tickets, exactly, to a big grand party around a huge fountain in Hawaii at night. 500 tickets, all of which, got filled immediately with friends, family, and friends of friends, etc... And I knew everyone. Cool. So, since everyone knew that we would be able to jump into the pool at a prespecified time, everyone dressed down in clothes they didn't mind getting wet, except for me. Shirt, tie, suit, everything. I mean, I was the host, so, of course I dressed nice. Uri, even though he wasn't a host, just a guest, asked me what I was wearing, so he showed up in a suit too. Putz. Now both of us can't jump into the fountain.

I go up to the calypso singer and ask him where to get jeans and a t-shirt. He told me to fuck off, so I dragged him away from the band, up a hill just along side the whole festival I won tickets to, and told him to take me to where he lives. We ran down a small highway through thick trees, littered with fallen leaves, and the only light, however pleantiful, was that provided by a full moon. I noticed as we ran, I following him, our shadows on the shoulder of the road to our left. His was that of a big snake, and mine of a hippopotomus. Oh yeah...

Without warning, he jumps over the shoulder of the road, and I quickly followed. We ran just a short way, and then into a cave. There, he was immediately protected by five big gorillas with sticks, yet while they protected him, they charged me. I managed to get the stick away from one of them, and smacked him in the head with it. All the gorillas backed away, and the one I hit removed its head. It was a mask, as a matter of fact, they were all costumed women.

I readied my stick again to hit her once more, and she told me where pants and shirts were. I grabbed on pair of jeans and one tshirt, and left. I go up to Uri, and give it to him. I sit with some friends for a drink to relax, not telling anyone what I did or saw. Then, after a couple drinks, everyone gets up and circles the fountain. The fountain jets multiple streams into the air in time with the calypso music screaming in from the background. Everyone's in jeans and shorts and bathingsuits, except for Uri and myself. Looking down, I see my parents and their friends led the way into the water, motioning for Uri and myself to come in with them as well.

I told Uri to go change and put on the shitty clothes I got for him, and he runs off. I start dancing with the ladies because the music is just so fun, and then realize, I'm still not dressed for the fountain. I run back to that cave.

I'm going down that sam highway littered with fallen leaves and walled on either side with thick thick forest. I see my shadow on the shoulder of the road to my left again, the shadow of a hippo running as fast as me. I jump over the shoulder just like I did before. I go into the same cave. The man I dragged there earlier was gone, and the number of gorillas that charged me this time was three. I aqcuired the stick from one of them, hit him in the head with it, and he took off the mask once more as the other two retreated. Again, it was a woman, but this one was beautiful. She tried to seduce me, to keep me from the jeans and shirts, and almost won me over. But I had to get those jeans and shirts for myself, otherwise I couldn't swim in the fountain with everyone else, and they were expecting me; my being the host and all.

I pushed her off, grabbed the clothes I needed, and ran back. I stopped now and again to take something off, put something on, and by the time I made it back, some people had come out already. I sat down for another drink by myself, and saw a child walking around with fireworks strapped to its chest, ready to go off any second, but they never did. They were the kind of pinwheels that just spin and spin, spewing clorful flames in all directions. But they never went off, no matter how long I stared. The fuses were sparkling but not getting shorter. The child was playing with something or other, but not too worried. And I stared at him. That's it. I dropped my drink, ignored everyone trying to get me into the fountain, forgot about the calypso guy I kidnapped in the middle of a performance, forgot about the gorillas women up on that highway, forgot aobut everything. Everything except the shadow of myself.