Writes


Letters
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Dear Airline
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
10 Questions From Americans
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
The Benjagon
Use Those Weather-Sticks
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
The Question About The Bill
10 Interview Questions


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
Saturday, June 8, 2002
Vegas Clean Out
 
Wandering the aisles of a Target Costume Outlet store in Las Vegas, Lisa and I were looking for the ultimate his-and-her costume theme. Our original goal was a kind of Bonnie and Clyde team up, but that was nowhere to be found. In the end, we settled for Superman and Supergirl. The people working at the store were actually trying to make our shopping experience difficult instead of helpful, and even though picking out the outfits didn't take us longer than half an hour, just getting to the checkout counter took well over an hour, and the line itself was even longer than that.

It seemed like the whole world was in Las Vegas, either attending or hoping to attend the world famous Costumed Ball at the Bellagio. The event was by invitation only, and even then the invitations were only distributed to the world's elite. However, just as all great galas go, someone who doesn't regularly use silverware made out of real silver often gets in, and quite easily.

The main show during the event was choreographed by Lisa's friend from highschool Liz. Liz, being the lead dance instructor at the hotel, got her hands on a bunch of tickets - two of which found their way to Lisa and myself.

Once at the party, Supergirl Lisa found Little Green Alien Liz, and they just rattled off on memories and the usual catching up girls do. "Did you hear about so-and-so?" "I bought this on sale at blah-blah-blah." "No she didn't!" "She's pregnant!?" And on and on…

I quickly found myself getting bored listening to a conversation that didn't involve me in the slightest, and wandered off on my own. I stumbled off in search of an arcade to play a few games. The Bellagio is a hotel for adults only, 21 and over - no exceptions. When I did find the arcade, it was maturely named the "Game Room", and it was very 'Elvis' themed.

Rhinestones everywhere, blue suede pull-handles on the slot machines, and the image of The King printed on every video game token. It was pretty empty in there, save the presence of a couple Rockabilly's here and there. Towards the back was a café overlooking a kind of archery and lawn-darts arena, and in the middle of all the video-screen laden entertaining goodness was the change-machine island.

Desperately in need of a quarter, I put a dollar bill into the machine. After a little blinking light stopped blinking, and some internal gears stopped whirring, out came my four elvis tokens. Then the machine blinked and whirred again, and out came four more tokens. More blinking and more whirring granted yet another four tokens. Blinking and whirring, four tokens. Blinking and whirring, four tokens. Blinking and whirring, four tokens. Then the machine blinked and whirred one last time, spat out four tokens, and then the drawer, the front of which was the coin return basin, jutted out to reveal a tray filled with tokens, quarters, dollars, five dollar bills, tens, twenties, fifties, and, of course, hundreds.

Without thought, I filled what few pockets I had with my Superman outfit with hundreds and fifties. I kept stuffing and stuffing, and when people passed by I told them to join in as well - a couple did, most didn't. When I feel that I've taken 'enough', I leave the Game Room only to find Supergirl and the Little Green Alien waiting for me. "You shouldn't have done that, Benjamin," Liz said - her antennas wobbling on thin black springs, "They saw you on the monitors."

I lowered my head in shame for a second, and then played it all off like I didn't know what she was talking about.

"Lisa," she said, "we'll meet you downstairs at the roulette tables by the buffet. I have to take him up to see the owner."

I was nervous, and as soon as Lisa left, as hesitant and worried as she was, Liz turns to me, "This would be much worse if you were being taken up by someone you didn't know."

She walks me down a very unraveled hallway to a hidden elevator. We take the elevator to the top of its short run, and walk out into the large office that's the work center of the owner. I was amazed with the view of the main casino floor, and I was not looking forward to meeting 'the owner'. I've seen too many movies to think that I would get out unscathed - I pretty much just tried to figure out ways to get the thugs to break my pinky finger instead of my more valuable index finger or thumb.

Liz had a way of staring me down that, I assume, she learned in training to work at the Bellagio. She knew I was guilty, and her stare made me feel guilty. My defiance in admitting my guilt sharply turned into my full confession, including my dumping all my stolen money onto a table.

And then I heard the elevator stop at the top floor - the floor I was on. It was the owner, I was sure of it, and he was here to break my fingers, or my legs, my fingers and my legs… Either way, I wasn't looking forward to the meeting.

The doors slid open, and standing in the elevator, dressed in a very elegant tuxedo, was the WWF's 'Big Show'. He's a giant of a man standing nearly eight feet tall, weighing twice as much as me. I squinted and looked at him closer, he squinted and looked at me.

"Frank," I asked?

"Ben?"

"Frank!?"

"BEN!"

We ran to each other and met with a hug. Liz was stunned, and I explained to Frank the whole scenario. He counted what took and found that it was just shy of ten grand, so, he added some more cash out of his own wallet to even it out, slapped me on the back, and we walked out with Liz to meet Lisa. Once we were all together, he walked us into the VIP party where the celebrities mingled during the whole costume event, and there we stayed enjoying rubbing elbows with actors and musicians, getting autographs, and, of course, enjoying the buffet.