Writes


Letters
Company Pen
Betting On Trump
How Many Toilets?
Lost Nickle
Dear Airline
Dear Senator Vasconcellos
Dear CBS
Dear Carolina Panthers
10 Questions From Americans
Dear Toys R Us...
Small On Top?
The Benjagon
Use Those Weather-Sticks
Einstein Didn’t Know His Barber Could Cook
I Want Your Clutter
Hello, Coca-Cola?
The Question About The Bill
10 Interview Questions


Dreams
Do I Own A Snake?
Fourth Is Enough
7 Year Living Room
Water Bowl
Overboard
Team 3D and The Finger
Coin Bringer
Turtle Dancing and Jell-O World
Team 3D vs. The French
Almost Spiderman
Killing The Old For Books
Closet Snake
Walking Out
Outside My Casino
Todd Took My Beer
Wednesdayding Lake
Vegas Clean Out
U.S. History Quiz in Tijuana
Uri and I vs. Lewis and Tyson
Team 3D 'Cleans' House
Shopping School
Talking to G-d in a Toy Aisle
Witness to a Dream
Bill Clinton's Pep Talk
Team 3D and the 3D Girls vs. The Purple Maori Theater Seat Thieves
North Africa vs. South Africa
Team 3D vs. The Invisible Yellow Llama -or- Zoo Island
Sparing Bonnie Hunt
Quarters for Dogs
Telling Her Off
Killing in Defense
Team 3D vs. The Ozone Blob
Mega Work Dream
Risking Life and Limb Over World War Two Germany
Pastry Bunnies
Dave and Ben vs. Ted Danson
Cory Car Club
Team 3D in New York
Yael's Book Opening Sword
Ten Foot Tall Piece of Fridayed Chicken
Web Hostage
Sky God
Team 3D vs. The Mall Wave
Nose Vines
U.F.I. Mining Town
Girls in Torture-land
Benjamin's Elevator Shaft Shower and the Golden Cross
Me, Kenn, Some Russian Guy, and Fire...
Team 3D vs. The Storm Crane
Two Dreams
Team 3D Detectives
Two Things Wrong
The Musical
A Shave and a Spot
Hawaii 500
Moving In
Japan's Crack Super Parachute Commando Squadron!

 
Meet My Parrot
 
Dear AIRLINE,

First off, let me tell you what a fabulous airline you have. I flew with you just last month, and I couldn’t have been more satisfied.

I’m often very thirsty, but on your plane I was constantly offered a variety of beverages. I’m often hungry, but on your plane I was constantly offered a variety of snacks. I’m a very tall, and often tired man, but I found that cramped space was not an issue, and my seat couldn’t have been more comfortable nor my flight more enjoyable.

I was so impressed with your service, AIRLINE, that as soon as I returned home I spray-painted my pet parrot Octavius the colors of your airline’s brand colors, and I taught him to say your tagline, “AIRLINE TAGLINE”.

Octavius is actually getting better by the day in pronouncing your slogan, and I was wondering if you would be interested in him for an ad campaign. I figured, what better than an animal that flies (you’re an airline so the whole flying thing just fits right in), that’s the same color as your planes, and says your slogan.

Thank you again for making me such a happy customer. I look forward to hearing back from your regarding Octavius.

-John F. Reed

ps – Octavius is very cooperative, especially if you feed him peanuts before he perfoms – just thought you should know before you fly him to Hollywood or wherever it is you shoot your commercials. If you bite him, he’ll bite you back.


RESPONSES

From: "Customer Services"
To: "'johnfrancisreed@yahoo.com'"
Subject: ATA
Date: Tue, 4 May 2004 11:13:47 -0500

May 4, 2004

Mr. John F. Reed
johnfrancisreed@yahoo.com

Dear Mr. Reed:

We are in receipt of you email dated May 3, 2004. Thank you for taking the time to write.

At ATA, we realize that our customers are the heart of our corporation and for this reason, customer satisfaction is the focus of our training. We are very pleased to hear that you enjoyed your travel with us last month. Your compliment has been filed and sent to the appropriate departments for review.

Thank you for taking the time to share your recommendation to allow your pet parrot (Octavius) to start a new ad campaign for ATA Airlines. We are quite flattered that you and Octavius would go to such lengths to demonstrate your faith and loyalty to our airline. We welcome the opportunity to share your comments with responsible management in the areas covered by your recommendations.

Again, Mr. Reed, thank you for taking the time to write. Comments from our valued customers are always welcomed and appreciated. We look forward to welcoming you onboard another ATA flight soon, and hope that all your future air travel experiences will be equally pleasant.

Sincerely,

J.T. McNees
Customer Relations
ATA Airlines


From: "Customer Relations"
To: "John Reed"
Subject: Korean Air Reply
Date: Tue, 4 May 2004 17:17:12 -0700

Dear Mr. John Reed:

Thank you for taking the time to relay your warm comments to us.

It is gratifying to hear that your recent experience with Korean Air has been a pleasant one, and that our services met your expectations. Customer feedback such as yours is instrumental in our ongoing efforts to satisfy the needs of our valued customers. Korean Air has made a commitment to its customers to ensure the highest standard of service and satisfaction. Your comments will serve as an example of a positive outcome of such efforts.

We truly thank you for your patronage, and we look forward to be of your service for many opportunities to come.

Sincerely,

US Regional Customer Relations
Korean Air


Date: Wed, 05 May 2004 07:47:25 -0500
From: "Blankairlines Wecare001"
To: johnfrancisreed@yahoo.com
Subject: R2004/05-01794-00448-001

Dear Dr. Reed:

Thank you for letting us know you enjoyed your travel with us. We also appreciate your offer to use Octavius for advertising purposes. I have forwarded your message to our Advertising personnel. You will be contacted if there is an interest in your offer.

We look forward to welcoming you aboard again soon and appreciate your business.

We welcome all customer feedback. Should you wish to contact us again, please do so via http://www.blankair.com/customerrelations and we'll be back with you as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Jan DeLancey
Customer Relations
Blank Airlines
You're right, there is no such thing as Blank Airlines, however this email, which came from a real airline, was also followed up with a little footnote that said the email itself was the copyrighted property of the airline I sent it to. So, I just prettied it up a little bit in order to make available to you the reason your airline tickets are so expensive - to pay for someone to waste his time responding, three times, to an idiot with a parrot named Octavius (I received two previous emails telling me my 'situation' was being forwarded to the proper department.


Date: Thu, 06 May 2004 11:02:00 -0500
To: "John Reed"
Subject: Re: CR-Compliments (KMM673842V59262L0KM)
From: "Northwest Airlines"

Dear John Reed,

Thank you for your email regarding your satisfaction with Northwest. We sincerely appreciate all of your kind comments about your experiences on our flights.

Octavius certainly sounds like a unique bird. I have forwarded your offer to use him in our commercials to our Marketing Department. If they are interested in pursuing the matter, they will be in touch with you.

We look forward to welcoming you onboard your next flight.

Sincerely,

Renee Berg
Customer Care
Northwest/KLM Airlines


Subject: Virgin Atlantic flight
To: johnfrancisreed@yahoo.com
From: Sarah.Boyle@fly.virgin.com
Date: Wed, 9 Jun 2004 15:19:36 +0000

Dear Mr Reed

Many thanks for your kind email message you sent regarding your recent flights with Virgin Atlantic.

I was very pleased to read how much you enjoyed travelling with us, and would like to thank you for letting us know how impressed you were with the service you received. It really is a pleasure to receive correspondence such as yours, it makes all the hard work needed to maintain a high standard of service worthwhile.

As far as Octavius is concerned, I do hope the paint was non-toxic! It caused quite a stir in the office when I read out what you had done! I don't think we will pursue your offer of using him in our campaign ads at this time, as we have Alice Cooper on board, and he seems to be making a good impression!

Once again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. We look forward to welcoming you on board one of our flights again soon.

Kind Regards
Sarah

Sarah Boyle
Customer Relations Executive
Contact direct on Mondays and Wednesdays